I love you. I’m sorry.

love was the last thing I’d ever thought of pursuing because I never got the appeal. it was not because I was scared of it, but I was certain I’d never experience it. then here you were. it was a slow process and there were countless times I denied it because what I believed was infatuation from you was not worth the time and effort. but it was neither infatuation nor not worth time and effort, for it was actually sincere; it was pure. rereading our messages back from 2023 was truly twisting a knife inside myself because back when I wasn’t even sure of my feelings, you seemed genuine with yours. now, it’s been 2 years and you came back so suddenly. not to mention last year because it was both the start of my extreme adoration for you and painfully gross recollections I’d rather not talk about. we both know. I’m glad we were able to clear up things and bonded so much. I’m happy that you still loved me (although I don’t know if this is still the case today) and I am sure, that now, I love you even more. seducing you was screwing up my second and quite possibly my last chance, though. I didn’t quite grasp your pursuit of becoming a better person, which now I see, was emphasized in you coming back. you came back only because you felt confident that you were a changed man, and I ruined this by lusting over a person you hated being. I made you relapse only thinking for my sake. I’m sorry. I can’t even get the words out because writing this feels more about me than it ever does with you. My love keeps overshadowing who you are as a person and I keep failing to see the love you always had for me. all this could have been reduced to an “I love you” and an “I’m sorry” by me and I would believe it would have the same value and you would have understood it the same. But it would not be enough. It will never be enough. Yet it’s how I act when you are present because I could never express love when it’s right in front of me. what I have to think about is that this long remark mostly consists of “you”, “I”, “me” but never “us”. That tells me a lot about what I need to work on. The only time I will ever remember “us” coming into picture is when you said you “have to get rid of ‘us’” and that’s.. something, because it seems as though the only time we’re together is the time when we’re about to fall apart. The right words only get by when we’re losing each other. I’m afraid to think it’s because it’s never really love at all. But tell me it is and I’ll be reassured, because what is it if not love? Does not love struggle and cause each other pain, but if it persists, wins? Or have I overanalyzed this so much it actually means so much less to you? Regardless, you’ll always be the first person that has opened my heart, and quite possibly the only one to do so. I love you. I’m sorry.